Complications, Contradictions, and Chains

I am not fond of being chained.
I dislike being chained.
In fact I hate it.
H-A-T-E it!

Yet, I am incredibly fettered.
In so many ways, fettered.
Chained to many things.
Chained by many things.

But you know what's ironic?
Really, really ironic?
I hate some of my chains.
But I love my other chains.

Past

I am tied to the past - inextricably tied to the past. Like everyone else, I have had some good times and some bad times. Some terrible memories stay etched permanently in the innermost reaches of my unwilling mind. But most memories are pleasant and I yearn for those days again. I have been accused of living in the past, of not being happy in the present - always complaining, always yearning. Oh those Chimney Sweep Days! Oh those Trinity Days! Oh those Trivandrum Days! Oh those Jamshedpur Days!
I hate the chains that tie me to my bad days.
I love the chains that tie me to my good days.
But I am being chained.
And I hate being chained.

Future

The future binds me too. Numerous dreams clamoring for space in my small, overcrowded brain. The clutter of irreconcilable dreams has me confused - and chained. I want a simple life. I want great successes. I want to change the world. I want to confront challenges. I want peace of mind.
I love all my dreams.
I hate that they are mutually incompatible.
All these shackles tie me tightly and that too, to different, distant posts.
I am being chained.
And I hate being chained.

Morals and Ego

I have a strict moral code. Not so much a code as I am more of a Utilitarian than a Kantian. I try to adhere to these elaborate and increasingly impractical morals. I want to be selfless like the sandalwood tree that imparts its sweet scent on even the axe that cuts it. And yet, in my selflessness lies my egotism, my arrogance, my conceit. I am proud that I try to be selfless. All my thoughts are centered on how I can follow my superior morals! On how I, with all my generosity of spirit, tolerate alternate moral codes! My chosen moral values are hard to follow. They restrict me severely. Combined with ego, they time me up mercilessly.
And yet I love my morals.
And I love my ego.
But I am being chained.
And I hate being chained.

Culture, Background, Family and Friends

I love my culture, my background, my family and friends. Unambiguously, unwaveringly and unlimitedly. I love the responsibilities and the duties that my love for these entails. I love the comforts and advantages that these offer me.
Yes, I love these chains.
I absolutely and positively love these chains.
I'd be completely lost without these chains.
But I am being chained.
And I hate being chained.

Relationships and Hormones

My hormones demand that I behave in a certain fashion. My desire for a healthy, stable, lasting and happy relationship demand that I behave in another. My overcautious attitude, partly a result of some harrowing past experiences and an ardent desire for future independence, demand that I behave in a third. I am shackled to three floating logs all drifting in different directions.
I don't think I like these chains.
I am pretty sure I dislike these chains.
I am being chained.
And I hate being chained.

Thoughts

I like to probe my mind. I like to let my thoughts sink deep - deep into themselves. This entire blog entry is a testimony to that. But I also like levity and pointless banter. I like simplicity and clarity of thought. Yet somewhat consciously and somewhat subconsciously my mind goes back to analyzing the complications in the world and myself. Sometimes I desire freedom from this tendency. I want my brain to stop thinking so much and in so much detail. I want my mind to be engaged in the mundane or possibly become entirely free of thought, if only for a while.
I hate these chains but only some of the time.
But I am being chained.
And I hate being chained.

Time and Circumstance

The biggest constraints are of course of time and circumstance. An assignment is now three days overdue. I have a ton of work to do and so many deadlines. I need to send home money. I need to buy a car. I need to get a license. I have to accommodate my own ideas of research while keeping my professors satisfied. I have signed so many, many agreements. I am signed up for two more years of classes. I have credit card debt that needs monthly maintenance and eventual repayment. I have signed up for all kinds of contracts that bind me financially for prolonged periods of time - newspaper, cable TV, telephone, internet. I have an apartment lease that binds me in terms of time, money and space!
Most of these chains are terrible.
Some of them are not so bad.
But I am being chained.
And I hate being chained.

I hate being chained.

May be I am not alone.
May be it explains why exodus is the final goal in Simearth.
May be it explains why Moksha, Mukti or Liberation is the final goal in standard Hindu Philosophy.

I guess this explains my wanderlust - my desire for freedom, unplanned travel and chaos. As Tolkien says, "Not all who wander are lost."

Truly, I love many of my chains.
But I am being chained.
And I hate being chained.